1. Hardboiled Wonderland and the End of The World - Haruki Murakami
2. The Fault in Our Stars - John Green
3. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close - Jonathan Safran Foer
4. The Newlyweds - Nell Freudenberger
5. Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk - Ben Fountain
6. The Art of Cruelty: A Reckoning - Maggie Nelson
7. When The Emperor Was Divine - Julie Otsuka
8. The Buddha in the Attic - Julie Otsuka
9. The Historian - Elizabeth Kostova
10. The Marriage Plot - Jeffrey Eugenides
11. The London Train - Tessa Hadley
12. Mr. Fox - Helen Oyeyemi
13. My New American Life - Francine Prose
14. Tricks - Ellen Hopkins
15. The Night Circus - Erin Morgenstern

it’s been a while since i’ve written — prose doesn’t come to me as easily as it did before. maybe it’s the change in seasons or the change in myself. i feel comforted in the fact that i’ve become less occupied with my own thoughts (and you) and, instead, focused on the world that revolves around me.

it’s your birthday! happy birthday. i wish you the best in the world and i’m sorry for everything. i know you don’t celebrate it, but it’s nice. i’d celebrate it with you. funny, isn’t it? i remember each and every date that meant anything to us still and it’s been so long. i didn’t even need to look on facebook. May 8th 1993, your birthday. January 19th 2010, when you first asked me out. July 2nd, 2011, the last time I saw you. for someone so fleeting in my life, you mean so much to me still. it’s been easier to forget about you for longer periods of time.

remember Breakfast, that teddy bear you got me for our first, and only, Valentine’s Day together? remember how you interrupted Ms. Changa’s class just to deliver it to me with a note on a torn loose leaf page in your illegible handwriting? yeah, he’s sitting on the top shelf of my desk, hiding behind my academic and athletic awards. i hide him because it’s easier than having him sitting on my bed where i’ll take one look and spend the entire night thinking about you, what you’re doing, if you’re still bitter, and if you still think about me, even for the most minute amount of time.

i hate writing about you, did you know that? i can’t help myself; it’s almost impossible not to. i have so many apologies — so many explanations — that you should hear, but you’ll never get the chance to because i’ll never get the courage or the opportunity to do so. it’s difficult to move on when i have so many bones to bury. maybe next time, i’ll write something happier. something along the lines of, “hey, robert, guess what? i’ve moved on! completely! aren’t you so happy for me?”. i hope you’ll be happy to know i think of you less and less everyday. and that each year it gets a little harder to remember when and what dates are significant to us.

again, i’d like to wish you a happy nineteenth birthday. you deserve it. 

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why is everyone in such a rush to grow up?

sure, sex sounds like it’s great and it looks like a lot of fun, but one of the reasons i’m waiting til marriage (or, at least, much much much later on in the future when i’m in a steady and long term relationship) is because i don’t want to grow up. i don’t want to be more mature than i have to be. i’m not in a rush to let go of my youth. that dorky little girl that loved science fairs and playing video games all day long with her brothers is still trailing behind me, begging me not to leave her behind. i’m adamant in staying a virgin for as long as i can. it’s funny to see people’s reactions when they find out — like i’m sort of mythical creature of something. i guess everyone is conditioned to think that everyone else has already lost their V-Card that its become the norm. 

an overrated holiday. but when your expectations are low, the little things definitely make more of an impact than usual. from a handmade card filled with glitter and a simple message and a Hello Kitty nail filer to a simple last minute spicy tofu Korean dinner with two guy friends who deal out the bullying karma i so deserve. seeing some of my favorite people throughout the day. these little conversations, hugs, and jokes shows me that it isn’t about chocolates or fancy dinner reservations or balloons or flowers or any of those things. it’s about appreciating all the people that exist in your life that reciprocate any sort of mutual respect and love - whether platonic or romantic - that you have for them. 

i still think it’s overrated, but i’m not as bitter as i usually am.

designing my friend’s wedding invitations is getting me anxious for my own future. i can’t wait to be planning my own wedding and designing all of the elements that’s going to go in it. and finally settling down with someone i’m going to spend the rest of my life with. regardless of how pessimistic i might be about romance and relationships at the moment, i’m still holding out for that happy ending that every Disney movie portrays. 

low expectations and great company.

nights of staying up late and drinking to our hearts’ content. meaningful conversations over plates brimming with our favorite foods. fireworks over the boston harbor, and new years in a city that i don’t call home. here i am, in the midst of winter break enjoying my youth. i’m young and in love with what the world has to offer in terms of people and experiences. i came into this break expecting to do nothing except toil away at a part-time job. instead, i find myself savoring every moment that passes. a mixture of new and old friends. inebriated introductions screamed over the blasting music from the karaoke machine. attempting to pile eight people in a four person sedan and succeeding. dinner with deep fried everything at a traditional cantonese-styled chinese restaurant in the heart of our childhood neighborhood. i am here to reflect on the fun that i will never experience in the same way ever again. coming from a nightly run that used to be second nature the moment i get home and is now something that happens once in a blue moon, i feel that my head is cleared and my vision has been refocused. this is a letter to myself to remind me that i am only human. to remind me that every moment spent with anyone will never have been waste. it is precious in every single way, regardless if i learn to appreciate it now or later.

here’s a new year.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING.

A slight difference between love and lust.

I’ve acquired a preference for inebriated kisses and wandering hands in the back seat of my friend’s car. Getting to know each other’s tongues first before birthdays and favorite colors and favorite songs. Fumbling fingers and trembling hearts. Finishes as quickly as it started. Loneliness settles down and makes itself comfortable in the nook of my heart until the next gentleman with less than desirable intentions comes along, sips on liquid courage, and entices me with a dazzling smile and an understood agreement. Momentary bliss. No strings attached. I’ve exchanged tokens of gratitude and understanding and comfort for bits and pieces of what I really deserve.

At least the disappointment doesn’t last as long as a broken heart does. 

spontaneous trips to get food. sitting with each other talking about nothing. late night runs for a midnight snack. waiting with each other during breaks before class starts.

these are some of the things that are jewels in a person’s day. loneliness is a dangerous void. loneliness is pockets of time during your day when no one answers your calls or says hello to you and stops to sit with you.

i should just stop trying to please people who will never do the same for me. it’s tiring how i always take time out of my day to help someone out, or keep them company, and when i ask for them to do the same for me, i’m always brushed off.

i miss those days where people don’t wonder if you have a hidden agenda when you ask them to hang out with you and get food. i’m not flirting with you. i’m not trying to ask you to do me a favor. i just want someone to hang out with for the moment. i just want someone to savor the little things in life. i miss my best friends. i miss being able to go over to their place at 2 in the afternoon, doing nothing but getting snacks from the local convenience store and hanging out in front of the television talking about nothing. i miss calling people up and running to get food just because we’re bored.

but the more i try and reach out, the more i realize i’m just going to be alone in the end.

i guess i’ll get used to this.

do you ever get this little tug on your heart whenever you see a stranger? a tug that signifies that you should go against all your inhibitions and talk to them because there’s just that something that draws your attention to them? it doesn’t even have to be physical. usually it’s just the aura that the person gives off. the mysteriousness of the person that leaves you wondering what they’re like. what their favorite movie is, or their favorite season, or where they’re from?

it’s like when you’re sitting and you catch sight of a stranger and your heart beats and get you get all nervous and you end up having a ten minute battle with yourself about whether or not to approach the person, but when you finally get the courage to do so…they get away?

and when they leave, you end up fantasizing about the conversations that you would have. maybe you two would go and get a drink together at a nearby cafe and you’ll laugh and share a joke or two and then as you’re about to part ways, you two exchange numbers — a start of a new relationship. a new friendship. a new…something.

but when you finally come to your senses, you promise yourself that the next time you see a stranger, you won’t hesitate. at least, until the cycle ends up repeating itself.

people say i’m an asshole, but that’s a good thing.

not the whole, ‘wow you’re such a fucking prick’ asshole, but the ‘wow you just don’t give a shit’ asshole. i’m only young once. and all these people you see? you never know what you’re missing out on. make friends with strangers. say hi. hold a conversation with someone you’ve never talked to before. grow some balls and say ‘hello’ that the attractive person you’ve been eyeing across the cafeteria all semester long. just do it. be reckless and have fun. you might be missing out on the best people you will ever meet.